Menzoid Essay: Halloween greeting cards?!

It’s never too early to think about Halloween.
How does The Menzoid know this?
A greeting card told him so.
Yes, Halloween now has its own selection of greeting cards.
Precisely when did this start, this business of greeting cards depicting ghosts, black cats, witches, zombies. Think of copious quantities of illustrations depicting various members of The Addams Family and The Munsters.
Yep, it’s a regular Hilarious House of Frightenstein.
Indeed, on a rare visit to the card store, The Menzoid was shocked to see an entire section devoted exclusively to Halloween cards.
Didn’t see anyone buying any, though.
And seriously, does this wannabe tradition stand a snowball’s chance in hell of actually catching on?
Still, in light of the Halloween cards (or Black-and-Orange Day cards if you live in territory lorded over by the Toronto District School Board, a.k.a., Lord Sauron) questions must be asked:
For starters: why?
Who asked for Halloween Greeting Cards?
Who buys a Halloween greeting card and who do you send it to?
If you get a Halloween greeting card, do you display it and then mail a card that says, “Thank you for that lovely Halloween greeting card”?
If Halloween greeting cards are part of the “new normal” and you don’t receive a Halloween greeting card from a loved one this year, should you feel slighted and saddened?
Maybe The Menzoid is hopelessly old school, but The Menzoid thought that October 31st is all about donning a whiz-bang costume and going to a party or trick-or-treating. ’Twas ever thus, no?
Apparently not according to the greeting card industry. No, we’re supposed to be wishing family members, friends, and co-workers a “Happy Halloween.”
Again: Why?
Is it because the greeting card industry is getting clobbered by the E-card industry these days and thus needs to create new categories to bolster revenues?
What next? Labour Day Cards? Hey, what rhymes with “Union entitlement” and “Solidarity Forever”?
What do these Halloween cards say you ask? Try these Shakespearean zingers on for size:
• Ghostly Greetings!
• Have a fang-tastic night
• Have a boo-tiful Halloween
• Don’t be a scaredy cat
• I witch you a Happy Halloween
• Please park all brooms at the door
• Eat, drink and be scary
Oh, stop it, you’re killing me…
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle once said: “Where there is no imagination there is no horror.”
Edgar Allen Poe once wrote: “Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting; Dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”
And Andrew Dice Clay once opined:
“Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mouse ran up my ….”
No. Let’s not go there.
After all, the idea of giving out Halloween cards is already scary enough. For all the wrong reasons.
You’re welcome.

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