Menzoid Essay: Lance!

That’s right, folks. “Jaws was never my scene and I don’t like Star Wars.”

And yes, The Menzoid doesn’t believe in Frankenstein or Superman either, although he very much did believe in Lance Armstrong… the man who was once Superman, but now has way more in common with Dr. Victor’s freaky Franky.

But let it be said, like so many other constituencies, The Menzoid does indeed have skin in the Lance Armstrong lying and crying game.

For example: The Menzoid was such a Super Lance fan that he ALWAYS purchased cycling caps with the Lance Armstrong sponsor embroidered upon them. First it was the U.S. Postal Service; then it was The Discovery Channel.

And as The Menzoid would peddle along the highways and byways surrounding Rich Man’s Hill, he would beam with happiness and joy knowing that the cycling chapeau atop his cranium was the very same one Lance Armstrong would be wearing as he’d peddle to victory at the Tour de France.

But after the stunning revelations served up to Oprah recently, turns out Lance was a cheater. And for being a cheat, he will now pay a price.

For starters, the IOC has already stripped him of his Olympic bronze medal.

As well, The Sunday Times in the U.K. is suing Armstrong for more than $1.5 million. Back in 2006, The Times had to pay almost half a million dollars to settle the case after it reprinted claims from a book that Armstrong took performance-enhancing drugs.

But what was libelous, vile gossip in 2006 is now the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in 2013 – and straight from the horse’s mouth, at that! Or is it jackass? After all, it’s now clear via Armstrong’s own admission to Oprah that despite his original protestations, this guy was the fastest drugstore on two wheels.

And consider this: earlier this week, two men launched legal action in California claiming they were “duped” and “betrayed” by Armstrong’s two books, which detail how Armstrong overcame cancer to win those Tour de France titles.

The men said they bought the books, It’s Not About the Bike and Every Second Counts, because they believed Armstrong’s heroic tale of returning to compete drug-free after battling testicular cancer.

The plaintiffs say they felt “duped”, “cheated” and “betrayed” following the Oprah TV interviews given that the books – which were billed as inspirational true-life memoirs – were indeed filled with lies.

The point of all this preamble? Well, The Menzoid isn’t going to miss out on the 2013 Lance Armstrong Apology Tour.

Whereas Lance’s vehicle of choice is typically a racing bike, these days, Armstrong is now piloting a gravy train. And you can bet your ball-bearings The Menzoid wants a piece of the action.

Which brings us back to those cycling caps the Menzoid bought several years ago.

You see, The Menzoid recently peddled over to his friendly neighbourhood bike shop where he had purchased the caps, Evolution Cycles in Rich Man’s Hill. He plunked the tattered and sweat-stained caps on the counter and then frowned at the proprietor, Mike Horlick.

“What’s this?” asked Mike.

That’s when The Menzoid read him the riot act: “Mike, you sold The Menzoid Lance Armstrong cycling caps that The Menzoid wore on his head – IN PUBLIC. The caps were bought because The Menzoid thought he was supporting a true role model. How could you?”

The Menzoid then demanded a full refund (about $40 for the caps) plus he asked for a three-figure sum of money for pain, suffering and humiliation. (And yes, The Menzoid does plan to donate a portion of the proceeds to charity, although you can bet it won’t be the Live Strong Foundation.)

Mike sputtered some sob story that he didn’t know at the time Lance was dirty and that, in fairness, The Menzoid did get years of use from the caps, and that he’s a small businessman and besides, The Menzoid doesn’t even have receipts yadda-yadda-yadda…The usual song and dance routine, folks.

And so it is that with a heavy heart that The Menzoid shall be peddling over to small claims court in the days to come to file a lawsuit against Evolution Cycles to make up for the pain this cycling shop has caused – and continues to cause. After all, The Menzoid, who is pure as the driven snow, was fraudulently enticed to support a fraudster. And somebody’s gotta pay.

You’re welcome.

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