Menzoid Essay: Not So Super Sunday

By The Menzoid

Savvy Canadian shoppers have undoubtedly noticed signage at retail stores that read, “Shoplifting costs us all.”
And it’s true, of course. When retailers experience “shrinkage” – that kinder, gentler word for thievery – it adds to the cost of doing business. The retailer either sucks it up by making less profit or increases the price of the merchandise to make up for lost revenue. That’s Capitalism 101.
But there’s another hidden cost that hurts the bottom lines of retailers… and the culprits here aren’t thieves, but rather, disingenuous cheapskates.
You see, as we head closer to the first Sunday in February – a.k.a., Super Sunday – you can expect the nation’s sporting skinflints to take a stand… and hurt the economy.
In the days leading up to the fifth of February, electronic retailers will typically experience a significant blip in sales of big-screen TVs. After all, nobody is going to invite the guys over and watch the big game if the rec room is festooned with a circa-1979 26-inch Zenith.
No, we’re talking at least a 55- incher if you plan on hosting a Super Bowl party in 2012. And if you can spring for a 70-incher, all the better.
But here’s the rub. Just as electronics stores experience an uptick in sales in the days prior to the Super Bowl, they also experience massive returns post-Super Sunday.
Oh, it’s true. You see, the sporting cheapskate only wants to impress his friends with the latest whiz-bang TV for the game but has no intention of living with the big ticket purchase for the months and years to come. So, within the prescribed 30-day period, those big TVs are returned along with some bogus excuse as to why the high-tech telly isn’t suitable anymore.
Of course, this all adds to the cost of doing business, and that means higher-priced electronic goods for the thousands and thousands of honest Menzoid Maniacs and trustworthy Adler Acolytes who wouldn’t dream of playing such a game.
But this year, The Menzoid decided to take a stand to reverse this odious trend.
Namely, for a few days, he patrolled the entrance ways to various Future Shops and Best Buys in the Rich Man’s Hill area, diligently keeping an eye out for those people who were purchasing large screen TVs in late January.
Clad in a rented naval uniform and wearing a pith helmet (which conveys an aura of authority), The Menzoid approached big-screen TV purchasers and asked them for a few moments of their time. That’s when The Menzoid went into his speech about how returning a TV post-Super Bowl is neither moral nor ethical. Please note, The Menzoid was not being paid by Future Shop or Best Buy. Rather, as previously noted, educating others is what The Menzoid likes to do.
As for the results of the impromptu Q&A: not a single shopper actually admitted to the fact that he or she was planning on returning the merchandise post February Fifth. But The Menzoid could see through their lies. How so? Simple. The Menzoid was also carrying a clipboard with a declaration which stated the following:
“I swear to God that I am not purchasing a television primarily to watch the Super Bowl and plan to return the television after the Super Bowl. I have been informed by The Menzoid that this is an unethical practice, and I hereby swear by all that is holy that I will keep the merchandise I have purchased for its normal lifespan. If I am lying, I hope I go straight to hell.”
The Menzoid then offered up a pen so that the person could sign his or her name in the space below the declaration.
Alas, The Menzoid is profoundly saddened to report that not a single one of the 40-plus customers he interviewed – not one! – agreed to sign his documentation. In fact, when The Menzoid began insisting on a signature as a show of good faith, many individuals became verbally abusive. One even dropped the F-bomb. Please keep in mind The Menzoid was, at all times, wearing a naval uniform and pith helmet.
Needless to say, The Menzoid was left shocked, saddened, and dismayed by the type of customer patronizing big box electronic stores today. The Menzoid is also ashamed by the lack of respect shown to authority figures given that The Menzoid would never dream of speaking with disdain to anyone wearing a pith helmet.
To add insult to injury, not a single employee or manager at any of the stores The Menzoid patrolled even had the common decency to thank him for his tireless service, which was sometimes conducted in sub-zero weather conditions.
Moving ahead, does The Menzoid have a solution to this problem? No. But let The Menzoid’s experience be yet another tell-tale sign indicating the ongoing degradation of the human condition.
Indeed, perhaps if more honest consumers of electronic products chastised those who buy big screen TVs in late January, we might be able to collectively turn the tide of these boorish borrowers. After all, The Menzoid simply cannot do it alone –even when clad in a naval uniform and pith helmet.
You’re welcome.

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