MENZOID’S ‘SANTA’ ESSAY
The Menzoid knows it’s a tad early to get into the Christmas spirit before Black and Orange Day… But, a certain West Coast social engineer has made Santa Claus a news item these days, thanks to the re-jigging of the classic poem, ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas.’
You know the poem:
[CLIP] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLhnh1VOAoM&feature=related (2:09 to 2:30)
Oh-oh! Did you catch that bit about the pipe? No, sir. Can’t have that.
You see, Vancouver publisher and anti-smoking advocate Pamela McColl has decided that Santa is a bad role model for children given his tobacco dependency.
So, in a recent edition of Twas the Night Before Christmas – which some consider to be the world’s most famous poem – McColl has Santa going cold turkey by leaving out the offending verse and illustration that depicts the jolly one enjoying his pipe.
Otherwise, the young ‘uns might get tramautized.
The Menzoid thought this was a tad extreme, at first. But, you know, folks, maybe McColl is onto something… After all, can we truly trust a supposed role model when he smokes a pipe?
Come to think of it, there are other character faults inherent to Saint Nick. Indeed, The Menzoid made a list – and he checked it twice – and lo and behold, Santa truly is more naughty than nice.
In fact, let’s count the ways:
1. SANTA IS A SEXIST
Santa is clearly a patriarchal heterosexual male chauvinist by the fact that Mrs. Claus has been reduced to a stay-at-home female. Such a concept is so out of touch with today’s working reality in which women are bread earners as opposed to just bread-bakers like Mrs. Claus. Heck, we don’t even know Mrs. Claus’s first name!
In fact, in order to be more inclusive, perhaps it would be more appropriate to re-imagine Santa Claus as a bi-curious, twin-spirited, trans-gendered, homosexual she-male? Oh, say it loud, Santa, say it loud!
2. ANIMAL CRUELTY
Santa callously exploits eight and sometimes nine reindeer. This is disrespectful of PETA’s mantra of ‘a mouse is a cat is a dog is a horse is a reindeer is a boy.’ Surely Santa should switch to a non-organic propulsion system, preferably one that uses solar, wind, or hybrid technology so that he can lower his carbon footprint. In the meantime, let us humanely relocate Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolf to a not-for-profit Inuit-operated game preserve.
3. SANTA PRACTICES BLATANT DISCRIMINATION
We live in a day and age wherein no child gets a zero grade; no child fails, and out on the soccer pitch, no champions are crowned, given that all children receive participation awards. How can Santa possibly have the audacity to pick and choose winners and losers? How can he be so judgmental so as to reward a so-called ‘good’ child with a gift and punish a so-called ‘bad’ child with a lump of coal? This sort of blatant discrimination simply cannot be tolerated, for really, folks, who are we to say what’s right and wrong?
4. SANTA USES DISCRIMINATORY LANGUAGE
Santa needs to read a copy of Durham District School Board’s ‘Guidelines for Inclusive Language’, for he obviously has absolutely no respect for the nation’s sex trade workers. After all, his constant refrain of, ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ can only be construed as a derogatory slur for describing a trio of prostitutes. And such non-inclusive, culturally insensitive language cannot be tolerated. Who does Santa Claus think he is – Yunel Escobar?
5. SANTA IS OBESE
Since junk food is the new tobacco, Santa obviously has to do away with all those servings of cookies that are no doubt loaded with trans-fats and maybe even peanut by-products. Santa must instead embrace an Halal-certified vegan diet in which he consumes only organically-grown free-range carrots and celery sticks.
6. SANTA USES DISCRIMINATORY HIRING PRACTICES
Santa’s Workshop is surely akin to the North Pole version of ‘Hooters’. After all, ever notice how every single worker has the exact same body type and gender (namely, they’re all small male elves)? This goes against the very grain of diversity. As well, Santa’s Workshop is a non-union environment; and surely, the Canadian Auto Workers or the Teamsters can bring some labour justice to Santa’s woe-begotten exploited workers?
7. SANTA ISN’T SECULAR
‘Kris Kringle’ as an alias is fine. But ‘Saint Nicholas’? SAINT? What’s with all this religion stuff being shoved down our throats? Are you kidding? Next thing you know, this Bible-thumper will be burning crosses on people’s lawns.
BOTTOM LINE: Come to think of it, Pamela McColl is onto something. Santa Claus is downright despicable.
Golly, makes you wonder why we even bother celebrating Christmas in the first place!