Transcript of Menzoid’s Latest Contribution: “Ribbing McRib”
For better or worse, we live in a fast-food world. Kentucky-fried this; Special Sauce that. And most of us wolf-down quick-rendered cuisine on a daily basis. Hey, we know that beautiful Baconator isn’t good for us. But we eat it nevertheless, vowing to do an extra 20 minutes on the treadmill. And thus, on goes life in the flabby land ruled by the Burger King and the Dairy Queen.
And yet, even though the multinational fast-food giants have quickie-cuisine down to a highly profitable art form, every so often a fast-food item comes along that makes even those with cast-iron stomachs gulp with incredulity.
For The Menzoid, that retch-inducing fast-food item is that ghastly sandwich known as the McRib.
If the McRib were a car, it would be the Pontiac Aztek; if the McRib were a city it would be Buffalo in February.
The McRib is widely considered an ’80s-era failure. But the clown over at the Golden Arches apparently can’t accept defeat gracefully. So every once in awhile, the McRib is resurrected, Count Dracula-like. Alas, if only we could rid ourselves of this monstrosity by brandishing a crucifix.
Incidentally, the official Wikipedia thumbnail description of this malevolent McEntree is this: “The McRib is a barbecue-flavoured, restructured pork sandwich periodically sold by the international fast-food restaurant chain McDonald’s. It was first introduced to the McDonald’s menu in 1981.”
Now, that tells you all you need to know about the McRib, doesn’t it? Kind of like describing the Frankenstein Monster as “an outpatient following some minor cosmetic surgery.”
Incidentally, did you pick up on that seemingly innocuous word in the McRib description — “restructured”? Look, The Menzoid isn’t exactly the Galloping Gourmet, but since when does a food item get “restructured”? It almost sounds as though Ronald McDonald put a piglet in one of those matter transportation machines from the movie, The Fly, and with the press of a button a hunk of pork was trans-mutated into the thing that is the McRib sandwich. And we all know how that flick ended…
In any event, since the McRib recently reappeared back upon the Canadian McMenu for a limited time only, The Menzoid tried to figure out precisely why this food item causes him such grief.
First and foremost, there’s the disturbing shape of the McRib. For example, where one expects rib bones, one instead discovers that some food geneticist has reconfigured pork into a slab of meat that merely has the appearance of rib bones. Got that? This makes The Menzoid envision a perverse farm in which McDonald’s is secretly raising boneless swine – hollowed-out paraplegic piglets that only live on to fulfill their destiny as boneless meat slabs in mass-produced McRib sandwiches. Oh, the horror… it’s almost enough to make The Menzoid become a vegan. Almost.
Then there’s the smell of that barbecue sauce, which sacrifices sour for sweet. The end-result is a coating that tastes like tainted ketchup.
And finally, there’s the lifeless, unnatural colour of that boneless slab of meat, a shade of grey that’s best-described as zombified. Which leads The Menzoid to another pet-peeve: when he ordered the McRib last week for the first time in more than three decades, he noticed the sandwich that was served to him in no way resembled the photo of the McRib used in McDonald’s menu boards and posters. And this resulted in The Menzoid experiencing a Falling Down moment… specifically that scene in which William Foster, depicted by Michael Douglas, takes exception to the glorified way his Double Whammy Burger With Cheese is depicted in the restaurant’s marketing materials versus the pathetic sandwich that is served to him.
(3:53 to 4:19)
Of course, the terrified staff at Whammy Burger listen intently to Foster because he’s undergoing a nervous breakdown and he happens to be brandishing a rapid-fire machinegun. But even so, no answer is provided.
Look, The Menzoid isn’t advocating violence as a way to end those sporadic comeback tours of the McRib. He just wants to appeal to reason. After all, wouldn’t the world be better off if McDonald’s would simply admit defeat and retire the McRib once and for all? Is that really too much to ask?