Menzoid Essay: Bumper Stumper!

Automotive Etiquette 101: Today’s question: Did The Menzoid breach automotive etiquette by affixing a bumper sticker to a loved one’s car without first receiving permission to do so? Or is The Menzoid being unfairly treated as a chump when he acted like a champ?

Here are the details: The Menzoid was recently visiting AM640, the fantastic flagship station of the Corus Radio Network. That’s where he happened to stumble upon an old AM640 bumper sticker from a decade ago when the station was known as Mojo Radio, a.k.a., Talk Radio for Guys.

The bumper sticker was bright orange, retro cool and would surely fetch a princely sum on eBay. What’s more, it brandishes a laudable public service announcement warning against impaired driving. Namely, the copy reads: “There are no chicks in jail.”

Well, since Lady Menzoid is a fan of AM640 and the Corus Radio Network and the Boss of Talk, The Menzoid thought he’d perform a random act of kindness. Thus, this collector’s item was affixed to the hind quarters of Lady Menzoid’s grotesque burgundy Chevrolet minivan.

Truth be told, The Menzoid was expecting a hearty “thank you” for bestowing this rarity upon the Uplander. But as soon as The Menzoid saw her face it was clear that Lady Menzoid was more furious than Dr. David Suzuki upon being cut-off by a Hummer.

The Menzoid doesn’t remember all the vitriol word for word, although he does remember some key phrases such as “How dare you!” and “What in blue hell were you thinking?”

Actually, The Menzoid remembers a few other choice phrases, but since this is a family radio station on a terrestrial frequency, those statements – which would make a UFC fighter blush – simply cannot be repeated.

Not only was Lady Menzoid frothing mad, she was also vowing revenge regarding the perceived transgression. Lady Menzoid says she now plans to affix a bumper sticker to The Menzoid’s “precious little Prelude” as she calls the Brittany Blue-Green dream machine occupying The Menzoid’s half of the driveway.

(We all know she wouldn’t dare affix anything to Menzoid-Mobile Prime, a.k.a., the ’09 Ford Adrenalin, so not to worry, folks.)

What’s more, she has hinted that the saying on the Prelude bumper sticker will be something “ultra-geekish” such as “Honk if You’re a Doctor Who Fan Club” or “I Love Unicorns.”

This is what’s known as a disproportionate response.

After all, Lady Menzoid doesn’t drink and drive and like most reasonable people, she bemoans the light sentences handed out to drunks who cause carnage on the nation’s highways.

And as previously noted, this bumper sticker is an out-of-print rarity.

And really, The Menzoid doesn’t want to sound like an automotive snob, but Lady Menzoid drives a malodorous minivan for goodness sake, not a fabulous Ferrari Enzo.

Gracious, would Lady Menzoid turn up her nose so quickly if The Menzoid had plunked the Mona Lisa over a patch of hallway wallpaper?

Since making her enraged was never the intention, The Menzoid is now left pondering what it is that he did wrong in the first place.

Is this a gender issue, perhaps? When The Menzoid polled his guy friends about the incident, they all said “no harm, no foul.”

But the womenfolk queried all had a different reaction. Without hesitating, Rebecca said, “Yeah, you crossed the line. You definitely should’ve asked first.”

And Anita – who admits she loves the bumper sticker and agrees with its message – told The Menzoid that if ANY bumper sticker was ever placed on one of her vehicles without first getting the A-O.K. from her in advance, there’d be hell to pay. Says Anita: “There’s no question: If you didn’t ask me beforehand and you put a bumper sticker on my car, I would hunt you down. I would kill you.”

Bottom line: people bemoan the fact that hardly anyone does “random acts of kindness” anymore.

Well, The Menzoid has a theory as to why this is the case: namely, what’s the use of being benevolent and giving if one’s random act of kindness is greeted with vulgar indignation rather than heartfelt appreciation?

Nevertheless, The Menzoid did promise to rectify the AM640 bumper sticker. And true to his word, when Lady Menzoid gazes upon the rear-end of her Uplander tomorrow, she won’t see an AM640 bumper sticker. In its place will be a bumper sticker the reads: “Sun News Network: You Home For Hard News and Straight Talk.”

You’re welcome.

Menzoid Essay: Halloween greeting cards?!

It’s never too early to think about Halloween.
How does The Menzoid know this?
A greeting card told him so.
Yes, Halloween now has its own selection of greeting cards.
Precisely when did this start, this business of greeting cards depicting ghosts, black cats, witches, zombies. Think of copious quantities of illustrations depicting various members of The Addams Family and The Munsters.
Yep, it’s a regular Hilarious House of Frightenstein.
Indeed, on a rare visit to the card store, The Menzoid was shocked to see an entire section devoted exclusively to Halloween cards.
Didn’t see anyone buying any, though.
And seriously, does this wannabe tradition stand a snowball’s chance in hell of actually catching on?
Still, in light of the Halloween cards (or Black-and-Orange Day cards if you live in territory lorded over by the Toronto District School Board, a.k.a., Lord Sauron) questions must be asked:
For starters: why?
Who asked for Halloween Greeting Cards?
Who buys a Halloween greeting card and who do you send it to?
If you get a Halloween greeting card, do you display it and then mail a card that says, “Thank you for that lovely Halloween greeting card”?
If Halloween greeting cards are part of the “new normal” and you don’t receive a Halloween greeting card from a loved one this year, should you feel slighted and saddened?
Maybe The Menzoid is hopelessly old school, but The Menzoid thought that October 31st is all about donning a whiz-bang costume and going to a party or trick-or-treating. ’Twas ever thus, no?
Apparently not according to the greeting card industry. No, we’re supposed to be wishing family members, friends, and co-workers a “Happy Halloween.”
Again: Why?
Is it because the greeting card industry is getting clobbered by the E-card industry these days and thus needs to create new categories to bolster revenues?
What next? Labour Day Cards? Hey, what rhymes with “Union entitlement” and “Solidarity Forever”?
What do these Halloween cards say you ask? Try these Shakespearean zingers on for size:
• Ghostly Greetings!
• Have a fang-tastic night
• Have a boo-tiful Halloween
• Don’t be a scaredy cat
• I witch you a Happy Halloween
• Please park all brooms at the door
• Eat, drink and be scary
Oh, stop it, you’re killing me…
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle once said: “Where there is no imagination there is no horror.”
Edgar Allen Poe once wrote: “Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting; Dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”
And Andrew Dice Clay once opined:
“Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mouse ran up my ….”
No. Let’s not go there.
After all, the idea of giving out Halloween cards is already scary enough. For all the wrong reasons.
You’re welcome.