Time to ban silver/grey Corollas

 Time to ban silver/grey Corollas

By The Menzoid

OK, forgive The Menzoid in advance if he grinds your gears with the following rant. But The Menzoid simply cannot keep my ever-revving motor mouth in Park anymore when it comes to an automotive anomaly that is making my grey matter overheat: namely, the blight on our roadways that is the silver/grey Toyota Corolla.

 

Yes, The Menzoid is cognizant that in our touchy-feely era we aren’t supposed to embrace profiling. But like the umpire behind home plate, your correspondent calls ’em like he sees ’em. And this is what The Menzoid is seeing: whenever he encounters a driving sin, the vast majority of times, the car causing the commotion is a silver/grey Corolla.

 

Loo, if was cherry-red Challengers or almond-hued Accords, The Menzoid would single out those cars. But the misery is being generated by silver/grey Corollas.

 

Examples:

 

When The Menzoid enters a highway merge ramp, he rapidly advances upon the taillights of the vehicle ahead. That vapid vessel, nine times out of 10, is a silver/grey Corolla. It will be travelling at 40 km/h on the merge ramp. What’s the deal with that? In less than 400 metres the lane will end and Corolla Gal will have to join highway traffic going at a 120 km/h clip. Does she not see this? Does she think this is the proper way to merge? Does she believe all the other highway motorists will slow down and allow a car doing one-third the highway speed to squeeze in, no muss, no fuss? The Menzoid looks in the rear-view mirror. It seems like a parade is forming. Buddy honks his horn – but how can The Menzoid communicate to him that The Menzoid isn’t merging moron but rather, there’s a silver/grey Corolla just ahead? Yes, ahead of The Menzoid. Oh, the horror …

 

 

 

The Menzoid survives the merge. The Menzoid signals his intentions to get into the passing lane to make up for lost time. The Menzoid rapidly approaches a left lane bandit going 15 klicks under the posted speed limit. High beams are repeatedly flicked on and off. The bandit does not accelerate or move over. Why you ask? Oh, The Menzoid forgot to mention a pertinent detail: it is a silver/grey Corolla ahead of The Menzoid.

 

 

 

Downtown, a lane of traffic is blocked. The reason: a silver/grey Corolla is trying to parallel park. It reverses ever so slowly into a spot that could comfortably accommodate the Queen Mary. Brake lights go on, reverse lights disappear – oh, God, he’s shifting back into Drive. He’s going to attempt the reverse approach again. And again. And again. BUT HE’S DRIVING A CAROLLA, NOT AN EXPEDITION WITH A TRAILER! But shame on me. After all, The Menzoid should know better by now. It is a silver/grey Corolla, after all.

 

 

 

After shopping at the mall, The Menzoid returns to his truck, which The Menzoid has purposefully parked at the outer limits of the mall’s parking lot to avoid door dings and chrome connections. There is only one other car in No Man’s Land. It is parked right beside my truck, even though there are dozens of empty spaces. It is so close to The Menzoid’s truck, he cannot get into the Ford via the driver’s door; instead The Menzoid makes like a Cirque du Soleil contortionist as he squeezes in via the passenger side. You guessed it: the car that blocks my entry is a silver/grey Corolla.

 

The Menzoid could go on. But what’s the point? I’d bet anyone a pink slip that we all have a silver/grey Corolla torturing us on a daily basis.

 

Look, The Menzoid gets it: the buyer of a silver/grey Corolla is subliminally sending the following message to the world: “I don’t care about cars. I hate driving. To me, a car has the same emotional appeal as a kitchen appliance like a toaster. That’s why I bought a silver/grey Corolla and not an fire-engine red Shelby Mustang in the first place. Understand?”

 

They talk about lowering speed limits and adding speed bumps and doing all manner of safety blitzes. Can’t we just ban silver/grey Corollas and get on with our lives? Please?

Menzoid Essay: PC Santa

MENZOID’S ‘SANTA’ ESSAY

The Menzoid knows it’s a tad early to get into the Christmas spirit before Black and Orange Day… But, a certain West Coast social engineer has made Santa Claus a news item these days, thanks to the re-jigging of the classic poem, ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas.’

You know the poem:

[CLIP] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLhnh1VOAoM&feature=related (2:09 to 2:30)

Oh-oh! Did you catch that bit about the pipe? No, sir. Can’t have that.

You see, Vancouver publisher and anti-smoking advocate Pamela McColl has decided that Santa is a bad role model for children given his tobacco dependency.

So, in a recent edition of Twas the Night Before Christmas – which some consider to be the world’s most famous poem – McColl has Santa going cold turkey by leaving out the offending verse and illustration that depicts the jolly one enjoying his pipe.
Otherwise, the young ‘uns might get tramautized.

The Menzoid thought this was a tad extreme, at first. But, you know, folks, maybe McColl is onto something… After all, can we truly trust a supposed role model when he smokes a pipe?

Come to think of it, there are other character faults inherent to Saint Nick. Indeed, The Menzoid made a list – and he checked it twice – and lo and behold, Santa truly is more naughty than nice.

In fact, let’s count the ways:

1. SANTA IS A SEXIST

Santa is clearly a patriarchal heterosexual male chauvinist by the fact that Mrs. Claus has been reduced to a stay-at-home female. Such a concept is so out of touch with today’s working reality in which women are bread earners as opposed to just bread-bakers like Mrs. Claus. Heck, we don’t even know Mrs. Claus’s first name!
In fact, in order to be more inclusive, perhaps it would be more appropriate to re-imagine Santa Claus as a bi-curious, twin-spirited, trans-gendered, homosexual she-male? Oh, say it loud, Santa, say it loud!

2. ANIMAL CRUELTY

Santa callously exploits eight and sometimes nine reindeer. This is disrespectful of PETA’s mantra of ‘a mouse is a cat is a dog is a horse is a reindeer is a boy.’ Surely Santa should switch to a non-organic propulsion system, preferably one that uses solar, wind, or hybrid technology so that he can lower his carbon footprint. In the meantime, let us humanely relocate Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolf to a not-for-profit Inuit-operated game preserve.

3. SANTA PRACTICES BLATANT DISCRIMINATION

We live in a day and age wherein no child gets a zero grade; no child fails, and out on the soccer pitch, no champions are crowned, given that all children receive participation awards. How can Santa possibly have the audacity to pick and choose winners and losers? How can he be so judgmental so as to reward a so-called ‘good’ child with a gift and punish a so-called ‘bad’ child with a lump of coal? This sort of blatant discrimination simply cannot be tolerated, for really, folks, who are we to say what’s right and wrong?

4. SANTA USES DISCRIMINATORY LANGUAGE

Santa needs to read a copy of Durham District School Board’s ‘Guidelines for Inclusive Language’, for he obviously has absolutely no respect for the nation’s sex trade workers. After all, his constant refrain of, ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ can only be construed as a derogatory slur for describing a trio of prostitutes. And such non-inclusive, culturally insensitive language cannot be tolerated. Who does Santa Claus think he is – Yunel Escobar?

5. SANTA IS OBESE

Since junk food is the new tobacco, Santa obviously has to do away with all those servings of cookies that are no doubt loaded with trans-fats and maybe even peanut by-products. Santa must instead embrace an Halal-certified vegan diet in which he consumes only organically-grown free-range carrots and celery sticks.

6. SANTA USES DISCRIMINATORY HIRING PRACTICES

Santa’s Workshop is surely akin to the North Pole version of ‘Hooters’. After all, ever notice how every single worker has the exact same body type and gender (namely, they’re all small male elves)? This goes against the very grain of diversity. As well, Santa’s Workshop is a non-union environment; and surely, the Canadian Auto Workers or the Teamsters can bring some labour justice to Santa’s woe-begotten exploited workers?

7. SANTA ISN’T SECULAR

‘Kris Kringle’ as an alias is fine. But ‘Saint Nicholas’? SAINT? What’s with all this religion stuff being shoved down our throats? Are you kidding? Next thing you know, this Bible-thumper will be burning crosses on people’s lawns.

BOTTOM LINE: Come to think of it, Pamela McColl is onto something. Santa Claus is downright despicable.

Golly, makes you wonder why we even bother celebrating Christmas in the first place!