Menzoid Essay: Lottery Luck

The Menzoid is a firm believer in Murphy’s Law – you know, what can wrong likely will go wrong.

Thus, when The Menzoid had to leave the country recently, he wanted to ensure his daily Pick 4 lottery numbers would be played. Because you just know the day you don’t play them is the day those digits come up. Fate has a real mean streak.

Anyway, The Menzoid couldn’t trust Lady Menzoid with this task, because Lady Menzoid thinks all lotteries are a waste of money and she constantly nags The Menzoid what an idiot he is for playing lottery games and to be truthful, at this point, one of the main reasons The Menzoid continues to play his lottery numbers now is so that he’ll one day win a jackpot not so that he’ll get to enjoy the good life but so that he can look Lady Menzoid in the eye and scram: “AHA! Who’s the idiot now, baby?! WHO? WHO?”

But The Menzoid digresses….

In any event, The Menzoid decided to leave his lotto numbers and the money to buy the tickets with Sun News Network ace reporter Faith Goldy, a woman who is as brainy as she is beautiful – which is to say she’s Lex Luthor brilliant. Or at least The Menzoid thought she was.

Even so, prior to departure, The Menzoid reiterated to Faith three times the following: “Promise you won’t forget to play the numbers, OK Faith?”

And Faith nonchalantly said each time: “No problem-o, Menzoid. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. I won’t forget. Promise.”

Alas, when The Menzoid returned from his odyssey, Faith was the first persons he sought out. Because, hey, perhaps The Menzoid had a nice welcome home cheque waiting for him?

But when The Menzoid asked Faith for his lottery tickets, her body language said it all: she slumped in her chair and slapped her forehead with her hand and said, “Oh no, Menzoid. You’re never going to believe it. I forgot to play your numbers. Here’s your 20 bucks back.”

The Menzoid was mortified. He felt as though he was staring at Medusa. How could Faith have done this? After all, The Menzoid had had such … faith in Faith.

The Menzoid ran to his computer and visited the Ontario Lottery Corporation’s website. He scrolled up and down the columns of the previously drawn numbers. Turns out none of The Menzoid’s numbers were drawn.

Still, Faith had not kept her promise. And momentarily, Faith had given the Menzoid a quasi-heart attack until he had confirmation his numbers had not been drawn. Thus, it was time for a “teachable moment”: As a compromise, The Menzoid requested Faith to pay him $200 in compensation. $200 is the lowest prize value offered by Pick 4, so really, The Menzoid is truly being a trooper by not demanding the top prize of $5,000.

To his shock and amazement, Faith said she didn’t owe The Menzoid a single red cent beyond the original $20 she had already given him. Talk about chutzpah!

Alas, now there is tension between us in the newsroom. The Menzoid understandably wants compensation; Faith Goldy thinks she actually did him a favour by NOT playing the numbers because at least he got his original 20 bucks back.

But just when you think you know all the answers, The Menzoid changes the questions. Which is why The Menzoid is going public with this sordid tale on the Charles Adler Electric Radio Show. Sure, Faith won’t pay The Menzoid the $200 that is rightfully his. But she’s the one that will soon be nursing a P.R. black eye. Sorry, Faith, but that’s what you get for not doing the right thing.

You’re welcome.


Menzoid Essay: Nuts!

Alas, The Menzoid extends his apologies to Tony Orlando and Dawn next time they come north to play Casino Rama. Because they may as well “stay on the bus and forget about us” given that they might not be able to tie that amber-hued ribbon ‘round the old oak tree in the near future.

You see, oak trees might be deemed hazardous to our health. Yes, the majestic oak tree might become the next deadly thing to get eradicated by those wondrous co-parents in charge of running the ever-persuasive Nanny State.

Case in point: say hello to Donna Giustizia of Vaughan, Ontario. And when it comes to helicopter moms, this mother is a Sikorsky sky-crane.

You see, Mama G is currently fighting to have oak trees removed near her child’s school. The reason: she fears that acorns could pose a deadly threat to those students with severe nut allergies.

No folks, please do not adjust your calendars. It is indeed November 16th – not April First.

The offensive oak trees are on property owned by the City of Vaughan next to St. Stephen Catholic Elementary School. Sometimes the immediate area is peppered with acorns that have fallen from the oak trees and apparently that’s bad news for a school that’s supposed to have a 100% nut-free policy to protect students with potentially life-threatening anaphylactic allergies.

“A false sense of security is putting a sign on the door that says nut-free and there’s nuts all over the place,” says Mama G. “I’m not a crazy mom, I’m not asking for anything that’s not already there.”

Oh, but Mama, you are asking for something that isn’t par for the course – you want freakin’ oak trees chopped down!

Please forgive The Menzoid for being culturally insensitive to the nut-free demographic, but since when did people start eating acorns? An acorn isn’t exactly found in a tin of mixed nuts along with the cashews and the Brazilians after all

Nevertheless, Mama G recently appeared before a City of Vaughan committee to plead for the removal of the trees.

Thankfully, several councilors at the meeting questioned the precedent that removing the trees might set. For example, Councilor Sandra Yeung Racco wondered whether removing these trees would mean having to remove oak trees from other public properties where children with allergies might be exposed. And hey, kids go on field trips – maybe we better get rid of those oak trees in ravines, valleys and moraines as well. Just in case, eh?

Racco’s concern is valid, because once this particular can of nuts is pried open, there might not be an oak tree left standing in our great Dominion.

In any event, Mama G who naturally chairs the school’s allergy committee, says she’s worried about children who could come in contact with acorns at school, as well as the “stress” of being around a potential trigger of an allergic attack.

Yes, folks, those acorns are actually causing junior anxiety! Because, hey, an anaphylactic kid is likely sitting in class fervently praying he won’t be walking past an oak tree with his tongue hanging out only to have an acorn fall on it. That’s a death sentence waiting to happen.

Mama G is also worried acorns will “be used to bully and torment children.”

Whoa! Stop the presses! You mean to say there are big bullies brandishing copious quantities of acorns to threaten the lives of nut-free kids???

Ah, no. There isn’t. But there might be. This … could happen. Sort of. Kinda. Maybe. So let’s play it safe, shall we, and call in an army of lumberjacks! Timmm-berrrrr! Hey, where are the green activists when you need ‘em?

Meanwhile, are there any reports of any kid succumbing to the Grim Reaper due to ingesting acorns? Nope. You want to know why? Well, acorns are bitter. They taste downright ghastly. And generally, acorns aren’t part of the diet for homo sapiens.

In fact, Dr. Maria Asper, a pediatric allergist at Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children, said she isn’t aware of any cases involving children having an anaphylactic reaction upon contact with acorns.

Said the doctor in one media report: “I’m not sure what the risk really is… For the most part, as long as they’re just handled and not ingested, there’s no scientific literature to suggest anyone has had a reaction.”

Meanwhile, staff at the Woodbridge school are reminding students not to pick up acorns and custodians and administrators are routinely going out each day to clean up those offensive nuts. What do you want to bet the Woodbridge’s squirrels are really pissed off right now?

But forgive The Menzoid for being kooky, but how about this as a concept? Why don’t we teach kids with nut allergies to be personally responsible for their own well-being?

Not to go out on a limb here, but perhaps giving kids the mistaken impression that we can make the entire world bubble-wrapped in such a way that it is 100% safe and secure 24/7 might indeed be more harmful to their health than allowing a few oak trees to remain standing.

As for Mama G’s oak tree jihad? Sorry lady. You’re nuts.

You’re welcome.