By David Menzies
Remember that great Dustan Hoffman flick from yester-decade? Do you recall that nugget of entrepreneurial advice regarding the future, and how history proved that advice to be right on the money? Here’s a refresher: Plastics.
Hey, you know what? Back in 1967, if you had invested in plastics, turns out you’d really be ahead of the game today. Look how many things that were once made out of wood or steel that are now 100% plastic – from chopping blocks to Tonka toys.
Alas, in the new millennium, plastics are suffering from bad P.R. Plastic just isn’t embraced like it was back when the Beatles were cranking out hot vinyl records. Heck, these days, some vested interests are actually on an anti-plastic jihad.
Case in point: the majority of councilors at Toronto City Hall have decreed that come New Year’s Day, the plastic bag will no longer be allowed in Hogtown. Yes, from the Material of the Future to packaging non grata, once they’ve finished singing Auld Lang Syne in the months ahead, the humble plastic shopping bag will actually be illegal in T.O.
In the name of the environment – praise The Suzuki –Toronto councilors have reinvented themselves as real-life Green Police. You remember the Green Police, don’t you? Those Orwellian agents of enviro-conformity and oversight that the folks at Audi told us about in song a few Super Bowls ago:
They say “don’t sweat the small stuff” but the left-wing intellectuals at city hall tend to excrete gallons of perspiration when it comes to fretting about the little things in life. But you know, the left is so learned and wise. Hey, just ask them. And who are we to doubt their wisdom? In fact, when do politicians and bureaucrats ever get it wrong?
Indeed, The Menzoid used to rebel against their initiatives. But not anymore. The Menzoid had an epiphany – we need more government, not less, in our lives. Listening to the likes of Adam “Don’t Call Me Collin” Vaughan and Paula Fletcher (the former president of the Communist Party of Canada) The Menzoid has come to realize these are learned people and that they have banned plastic bags and idling cars and shark fin soup for good reasons. We not only owe them thanks, but we should join their movement, oh comrades, by passing along suggestions regarding what needs to be banned next. It’s all about making this big blue marble a better place in which to live – even if thousands of jobs are lost in the process.
Thus, allow The Menzoid to get the ball rolling with these helpful hints:
- So sorry, plastic surgeons of Canada. It has come to our attention that silicone and saline simply just don’t degrade quickly enough once the recipient passes on to the great hereafter. Thus, it is with deep regret that we must ban the fake fun-bags. We simply cannot allow you to make molehills into mountains any more if you’re planning on using enviro-nasty material sourced from Dow Chemical.
- Remember that ad campaign, “I coulda had a V8?” Oh, not anymore you don’t. A V8 – the motor that is — is so over the top, so unnecessary, so Corvette Summer. Toronto must ban the V8 poweplant. And we don’t need any stinking six-cylinders, either. We’re talking four-bangers, preferably mated to a hybrid electric motor, praise The Gore, as we move toward making Toronto a 100% scooter/bicycle/Segway jurisdiction. To paraphrase Animal Farm: “Four wheels bad! Two wheels good!” Besides, why do you need more power than a Singer sewing machine?
- After scrutinizing the labels of various mouthwash, perfume, and cologne, it appears that alcohol is a major ingredient. Gracious! We all know only those governmental guardians at the Liquor Control Board of Ontario are allowed to sell hooch. Therefore, effective a.s.a.p., everything from Listerine to English Leather must be pulled from the shelves of department stores and pharmacies and sold only via government-mandated liquor stores. It’s all about social responsibility after all.
- Come carnival time, it’s high time that we ban the Wac-A-Mole. This game is PETA-unfriendly; it encourages systemic violence against moles, groundhogs, prairie dogs and other feral ditch-digging vermin; and worst of all, Wac-A-Mole is primarily constructed out of plastic.
Oh, so much to ban, so much to eradicate, so much social-engineering to be initiated …
We the sheeple just need guidance and direction and a helping hand from our fearless leaders.
The Menzoid feels so enriched, so enlightened, and yes, gosh darn it, so grateful that Toronto city councilors are diligently looking out for our best interests as they ban, ban, and ban some more.
Yet, a question arises: why are all the bag ladies screaming?