Time to ban silver/grey Corollas
By The Menzoid
OK, forgive The Menzoid in advance if he grinds your gears with the following rant. But The Menzoid simply cannot keep my ever-revving motor mouth in Park anymore when it comes to an automotive anomaly that is making my grey matter overheat: namely, the blight on our roadways that is the silver/grey Toyota Corolla.
Yes, The Menzoid is cognizant that in our touchy-feely era we aren’t supposed to embrace profiling. But like the umpire behind home plate, your correspondent calls ’em like he sees ’em. And this is what The Menzoid is seeing: whenever he encounters a driving sin, the vast majority of times, the car causing the commotion is a silver/grey Corolla.
Loo, if was cherry-red Challengers or almond-hued Accords, The Menzoid would single out those cars. But the misery is being generated by silver/grey Corollas.
When The Menzoid enters a highway merge ramp, he rapidly advances upon the taillights of the vehicle ahead. That vapid vessel, nine times out of 10, is a silver/grey Corolla. It will be travelling at 40 km/h on the merge ramp. What’s the deal with that? In less than 400 metres the lane will end and Corolla Gal will have to join highway traffic going at a 120 km/h clip. Does she not see this? Does she think this is the proper way to merge? Does she believe all the other highway motorists will slow down and allow a car doing one-third the highway speed to squeeze in, no muss, no fuss? The Menzoid looks in the rear-view mirror. It seems like a parade is forming. Buddy honks his horn – but how can The Menzoid communicate to him that The Menzoid isn’t merging moron but rather, there’s a silver/grey Corolla just ahead? Yes, ahead of The Menzoid. Oh, the horror …
The Menzoid survives the merge. The Menzoid signals his intentions to get into the passing lane to make up for lost time. The Menzoid rapidly approaches a left lane bandit going 15 klicks under the posted speed limit. High beams are repeatedly flicked on and off. The bandit does not accelerate or move over. Why you ask? Oh, The Menzoid forgot to mention a pertinent detail: it is a silver/grey Corolla ahead of The Menzoid.
Downtown, a lane of traffic is blocked. The reason: a silver/grey Corolla is trying to parallel park. It reverses ever so slowly into a spot that could comfortably accommodate the Queen Mary. Brake lights go on, reverse lights disappear – oh, God, he’s shifting back into Drive. He’s going to attempt the reverse approach again. And again. And again. BUT HE’S DRIVING A CAROLLA, NOT AN EXPEDITION WITH A TRAILER! But shame on me. After all, The Menzoid should know better by now. It is a silver/grey Corolla, after all.
After shopping at the mall, The Menzoid returns to his truck, which The Menzoid has purposefully parked at the outer limits of the mall’s parking lot to avoid door dings and chrome connections. There is only one other car in No Man’s Land. It is parked right beside my truck, even though there are dozens of empty spaces. It is so close to The Menzoid’s truck, he cannot get into the Ford via the driver’s door; instead The Menzoid makes like a Cirque du Soleil contortionist as he squeezes in via the passenger side. You guessed it: the car that blocks my entry is a silver/grey Corolla.
The Menzoid could go on. But what’s the point? I’d bet anyone a pink slip that we all have a silver/grey Corolla torturing us on a daily basis.
Look, The Menzoid gets it: the buyer of a silver/grey Corolla is subliminally sending the following message to the world: “I don’t care about cars. I hate driving. To me, a car has the same emotional appeal as a kitchen appliance like a toaster. That’s why I bought a silver/grey Corolla and not an fire-engine red Shelby Mustang in the first place. Understand?”
They talk about lowering speed limits and adding speed bumps and doing all manner of safety blitzes. Can’t we just ban silver/grey Corollas and get on with our lives? Please?